i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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