I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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