At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Im part way to drunk.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
