she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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