a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
