I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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