No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
