On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
