Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
