I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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