Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
