shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
