If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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