Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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