I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
