I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
