the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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