my phone needs a breathalizer
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
