before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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