I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
