6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
