I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
