New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I understand Curling. That high.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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