Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
