I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So many bounce houses so little time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize