dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
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I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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