I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
