Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
