That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
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Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
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You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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