Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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