Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
