my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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