I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
