i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
