My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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