a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
