apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
