How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
