did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
