Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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