So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
