Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
