My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
