People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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