Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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