we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
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You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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