You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
