Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
All the doctor said was why
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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