You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
