I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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