I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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