Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
