my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
