I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
