I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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