So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
